


The Lemon Epilogues - Prologue

by Roro L Money (hornyGnostalgic)



Series: The Lemon Epilogues [1]
Category: Homestuck, Homestuck Epilogues
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dogcock! Jade Harley, Gen, Genderfluid! Roxy Lalonde, Metafiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 15:12:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18758959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hornyGnostalgic/pseuds/Roro%20L%20Money
Summary: Alternate Title: "The Homestuck Epilogues Are Good But We Can Make Them Hornier"So, how about those Epilogues, huh? I personally loved them but I can see why people would have a thing against them. Either way, there's some major smut potential on Earth-C and with some of the things the Epilogue toys with, so I wanted to lay the groundwork for a Timeline that I can shamelessly do kinky stuff with.And so, the Lemon Epilogues! A Third Choice where things go differently and lead into Kinkiness! I'll leave this Prologue as a standalone thing without necessarily including any sex, and use it as a basis for future, potential Fanfictions with actual sexual content. Still, there may be some discussion of sex and topics talked about in the Epilogues, so you know, Spoiler Warning!And if anyone else would want to use this Lemon Timeline as a basis to do some horny writing on Earth-C, feel free to use this in the same way!





	1. Prologue 1

The hole leaves behind an absence in the sky so calm that continuing to call it a sky wouldn’t seem to do it justice. It’s a perfectly neutral expanse into which anything one can imagine might be summoned. And for a while, anything was. But not anymore. Where the hole gaped just moments ago, there now exists an imaginary line.

Above this line resides all that matters. Below exists all else. Never again the twain shall meet.

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

EB: …

EB: guys?

EB: what the HELL did we just read?

GG: oh hey! finally, john! weve been waiting for you to finish it!

CG: YEAH, TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH TO SLOG THROUGH IT, EGBERT! WE’VE BEEN MUSING ABOUT THIS FOR HOURS NOW.

TT: We have been musing about it for hours, Karkat, not you. Funny how you’re trying to throw John under the bus, but it wasn’t even a half hour ago that you actually got to the end of Meat yourself.

CG: HEY! …

TT: As for what ‘the hell’ we just read.

TT: It’d seem Dirk and Calliope have been busy with a joint ‘fanfiction’ of our adventures.

TT: Or rather, an alternate set of events for said adventures. A ‘what if’ scenario, if you will.

TT: Bingo.

UU: ^u^

EB: …

EB: huh.

 

Fanfiction indeed, but not just any sort of Fanfiction. Hypothetical events, alternate timelines, completely separate from their lives or ironically leading down a rabbit hole too deep to even rationally conceive. There are many ways to write and ponder about what could have been, and this was not. Especially not considering the two co-authors of this mess, nor the circumstances leading up to the two presented… Scenarios. It left an eerie sense of unease in the pit of John’s stomach, gazing into the abyss of causality, and having what may have been, what SHOULD have been, stare right back into his very soul.

The causal split, Meat or Candy. While not as dramatic in reality as showcased in their Fanfiction, it was still a choice John had to confront in the past. It happened a while back already, shortly prior to their seven-year anniversary on Earth C, when a particular malaise came over the eight Humans. Starting with Dirk, then Rose, and then one by one everyone who had God Tiered during the game. Headaches, fever, memories and visions of events, mixing with their perception of reality. And with more information and a better understanding of their role in Paradox Space, of their own personal ‘Quests’, had also come that same awful choice presented in the Fanfiction. Meat or Candy? Meat, or Candy. Would they comply with the Canon, or sink into some twisted alternate Timeline without cosmological importance?

The writing by Dirk and Calliope was too frighteningly plausible of what could’ve happened in a similar circumstance. A Descent into Villainy. Narrative Manipulation. War, Drama. It touched upon some really fucked up sets of events happening to people he cared about, and yet the one thing keeping his stomach twisted in knots was how easily things could have gone wrong, had he actually settled on either choice.

Unlike their version of the story, every God Tier started suffering this ‘Ultimate Sickness’. Although similarly, both Rose and Dirk were the ones that hard it the worst. His conception of Self, her thirst for Knowledge, it twisted their idea of what was going on for the worst. Turns out, you simply cannot ‘become’ your Ultimate Self. You may peer into it, you may understand it, but such is the nature of people, even while knowing everything you have ever done, and could’ve conceivably done, you are still a person. And people keep pushing on, evolving, and changing, something that goes against the very nature of the Ultimate Self.

He recalls seeking Terezi out soon after the sickness set in, something he should have honestly done years before. Convincing her to come back with them. She wasn’t just pivotal in dismantling this wrong conception of their Ultimate Self- She proved a powerful asset for Dave and Karkat’s Presidential Campaign, and during a long, heated argument with Jane, gave her a piece of her own mind and helped her understand she was doing nothing but following Her Imperious Condescension’s own steps.

And as for Dirk, the overly dramatic descent into madness showcased in the document was all but embellishing the truth, of how terrified he’d been to fall for something like that. Hard of a dude as he may be, it didn’t stop him from crying like a baby in the basement of his house until Dave helped him through it and let him vent.

The sickness came and went, and their group became more solid than ever. And if this Fanfiction was to be taken as a prophetic ‘what if’ scenario, it was all thanks to not settling for the binary. Meat, or Candy, he could’ve gone with either that day, and set the world on fire unknowingly. But the pressure put on his shoulders became too much, and that little outburst at Roxy and Calliope’s picnic, the gust of wind that shook the tree they were eating under…

An annoyed groan, a tilt of his head, and the taste of citrus. A mere coincidence, just a fallen fruit knocked off by the breeze, and straight into his mouth, but the flavor he’d needed to make the right choice.

Sure, the lemon was acidic. Surprising as he accidentally bit down on it, and enough to make his eyes water. But once used to the juices running into his mouth and down his chin, the shudder down his spine was enough to make him reconsider his choices, and see what else could be done.

And sure, leaving the job of taking Lord English down and closing causal loops to some other poor John was kind of a dick move. But as long as they managed to keep their group together and get along. As long as they have fun and enjoy their lives to their fullest…

 

Who really gives a shit about what could or should have been ‘canon’?

 


	2. Prologue 2

GT: I say what do you guys think meat!dirks ultimate plan may be?

GT: It has been bothering me since i finished.

GT: Leaving all of us behind in such a sorry state it must be a doozy!

GC: H4H4H4, Y34H NO, D1RK’S R34CT1ONS TO PR3TTY MUCH 3V3RYTH1NG 4R3 4LW4YS BORD3RL1N3 NUCL34R, H3 COULD H4V3 FORGOTT3N JOHN 4ND J4N3’S B1RTHD4Y 4ND 1S JUST 3SC4P1NG FROM TH3 SH4M3 OF H4V1NG TO 3XPL41N TH3 SL1P-UP BY K1DN4PP1NG ROS3 4ND FLY1NG 1NTO TH3 SUN.

GA: Like A Piece Of Garbage I May Add

GC: 3X4CTLY.

GA: As Fiction This Scenario Is

GA: Intriguing

GA: Were It To Happen In Reality I Doubt Things Would Go Too Far

GA: Hed Be Bisected On The Ground Before He Dared Put A Finger On Rose

TT: Swoon.

GA: !

TT: Mind you, I appreciate the thoughtful gesture of rescue before things escalate.

TT: However I find there’s a certain appeal to the idea of you finding me in that cold, lifeless robotic body, and prying my very soul back from the clutches of dissipation by your will alone.

GA: A Fascinating Tale

GA: I Will Take It Into Account

GA: Uh

GA: Were Things To Actually Ever Escalate In Such A Way

GA: Although I Still Would Rather Prefer Keeping A Fleshy And Non-Robotic Rose

TT: Too many fun things to do with flesh you can’t do with metal, right?

GC: G3T 4 ROOM YOU TWO! >:]

TG: obviously dirks trying to tear the framework of the narrative

TG: starting with the most central part of it

TG: sburb

TG: teach that big blue perv a lesson

TG: lmao

TG: u still blamin skaia 4 ur freudian slips? ;)

TG: listen

TG: im totally okay with sburb ripping half of the earths cultures for lore building or whatever

TG: but ripping off the greek pantheons confusing and concerning family trees is just a bad for everyone involved

CG: OH MY GOD.

CG: PLEASE JUST STOP THAT TRAIN OF THOUGHT RIGHT THERE BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER DAVE.

CG: FOR EVERYONE’S SAKE.

TG: yeah davey, careful or ull start talkin bout hot moms again and start flirtin w/ janey in front of ur bf ;o

TG: you know i dont do that anymore

TG: i mean no hard feelings jane just

GG: Ugh, I know, I know you don’t have to remind me.

GG: I was an utter and total jackass, and it ruined the whole "Hot Mom" vibe, didn't it?

GG: Honestly reading the way Dirk wrote me being so far up my own caboose I’m… Reminded of what an idiot I was being back then.

GG: we all made our mistakes come on you dont need to get all gloomy on us now!

GG: besides if you hadnt been kind of a jackass karkat wouldnt have run for president!

GA: We Are All Very Proud Of What He Accomplished During His Term

TT: Yes, as contentious as everything was at the time, Troll-Human relations have been thriving since.

GG: and its even easier to find all sorts of interspecies fun now! :D

TG: oh boy there she goes again

CG: UGH.

EB: guys?

UU: is something the matter, john?

EB: sorry if i sound a bit rude, callie! and dirk, too, specially since none of you guys seem to be complaining…

EB: but isn’t it a little bit… weird? all of this writing and stuff with hypothetical children and sex and making jane get together with a nasty clown?

TT: Woah there, John, are you calling Jake a nasty clown? How dare you?

TG: yeah john wtf

EB: augh! i mean gamzee!!!

TT: I know, we’re just messing with you.

GT: Although the chaps got a point i felt like fate was very much against me that whole big ol chunk of text!

UU: we apologize if any of yoU have any serioUs grievances aboUt the way we handled each of yoU, we didn’t intend to harm any of you with it! u_u

TT: Yeah, consider it as much of a ‘vent fic’ as much as it was a narrative experiment. We very much intentionally twisted y’all ever so slightly to get a caricaturesque effect.

TT: A fall from grace into something we could have become.

TT: But didn’t. Sorry if we went too far at any point, dude.

GA: Like Having You Fictionally Steal My Wife

TT: You know you like the drama of having to steal your wife back from someone, don't think I don't know your favorite kind of alternian literature.

EB: it still feels weird!

EB: am i really the only one who got kind of really weirded out by all of that?

GG: As I mentioned, it was tough but… More of a harsh reminder of bad things than anything I took too personally.

GG: I’d imagine everyone else here feels similarly?

GC: M4YB3 YOU'R3 TH1NK1NG 4BOUT 1T TOO MUCH FROM YOUR ROL3

GC: WH1CH 1S TO S4Y, TH4T OF TH3 PROT4GON1ST

GC: YOU'R3 G3TT1NG W31RD3D OUT BY TH3 THOUGHT TH3 R3SPONS1B1L1TY OF TH3S3 W31RD-4SS T1M3L1N3S COULD H4V3 B3F4LL3N ON YOU, DON'T OV3RS3LL YOURS3LF TH4T MUCH >;]

EB: it’s not even that! i did think about that but… honestly that just makes me happier that i got you back quickly and everything worked out well in reality.

EB: it’s just... it feels a bit invasive is all! for example, using roxy for gender exposition? i get it but, shifting people around like that without asking...

TG: usin me 4 what w/out askin?

TG: john i asked him to write me like that!

EB: wait really?

TG: lol

TG: yeah tho he asked me what pronouns and shiz i wanted since the fic started at the past so i just told him to let me p much embody ‘fuck gender’ in it and wed be chill ;o

EB: huh…

EB: guess it just took my a little by surprise…

TG: wait dude you didnt know roxs genderfluid??

EB: um, NO? none of you guys told me anything!

EB: so i thought dirk just made all of her gender arc?

EB: their.

TG: feelin a bit more masc as of late

EB: sorry!!! his, you just kinda never really told me anything about this?

GG: john thats just because you STILL stay at your place moping around and doing nothing these days! so you miss all the important in-person exposition!

GG: i told you a hundred times you should join me and jakes expeditions or maybe go raving together some time!

EB: that was another weird thing, the whole thing hyper sexing your raving and the conversation you had with jake implying weird things about you? or making dave and karkat all awkward and stammering together with you in the middle when we all know they’re dating!

EB: it just…

TG: woah

CG: WOAH.

TG: dude.

CG: NO. NO JOHN. WHAT? NO.

TT: That was probably one of the few things I genuinely agree with Meat! Me.

TT: They need to hook up already.

GG: yeah!!! they just need to get over it and FUCK already

\-- turntechGodhead[TG] left this conversation --

\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG] left this conversation --  

GG: haha no see? theyre JUST as awkward! and i totally go out on horny raves john

EB: augh!!! really?! am I seriously that out of the loop? i haven’t even been ghosting you guys since karkat’s campaign!

GA: Also What Was This About Jade And Jakes Conversation Being Problematic

TT: I thought it was a clever way to allude to it within the story, even if it was regarding the potential of me carrying her offspring. Although, I always believed if any of us was aware of Jade’s particular biological quirks, that’d be the one that spent three years alongside her in a golden ship.

UU: and with how open she is with everyone, i had imagined yoU woUld have been a particularly easy target to overshare with! :U

GG: lol no johns a bit too prudish for me to tell him about what i do out! i thought my alternate me would have told you this stuff though? im shocked honestly! its not like i hide it :p

EB: okay! fine! my best bros are weenies that aren’t dating yet even though i totally thought they were, and my ecto sis is a rave slut with a dog dick which isn't something i wanted to learn about in fanfiction form or otherwise, but we're all okay with it it seems!!

GT: Oooh is *that* what she was trying to tell me on the phone?

GG: Oh dear, Jake.

TG: LMA to the O u guys

TG: joooohn ur overthinkin it!

TG: i appreciate the stuff ur doin but rly ur tryin to white knight 4 us now

EB: that’s not… i mean… sorry?

TG: <3 just hit me up later and we can catch up w/ all this stuff so ur not left out of the loop okay?

TT: With any luck, maybe we can get him listening and roped into plans for long enough to have the next 4/13 be an actual physical celebration again.

EB: that… could be nice.

UU: if it eases yoUr mind, john…

UU: these ‘epilogUes’ to oUr story were a laboUr of love from both dirk and i!

UU: we may seem harsh at times bUt it’s for a reason.

UU: oUr development in toUgh circUmstances, overcoming the darkness, pUshing through.

TT: It may seem bleak on the surface, but we were trying to convey the opposite with it.

UU: like a love letter to oUr cUrrent sitUation, a thank yoU to all of oUr friends for being who they are, and to oUrselves for having come this far, no matter what the fUtUre may bring, or what the past coUld have broUght! ^u^

 

No matter what the future may bring, or what the past could have brought. That sentence alone somewhat quelled all of John’s doubts and worries concerning their fiction, both in what was literally conveyed in it and its metaphysical connotations.

He was overthinking everything again, just like the Candy version of him overthought everything about his reality. Everyone was… Okay with it. He didn’t have any major grievances with it, either, weird as it may be, concerning himself about it as anything other than a piece of fiction, or holding it to some weird prophetic standard would bring nothing good.

Just like how it was a bit of a sour reminder for Jane about what she had been, it reminded John of how he was falling back to inaction. How out of touch he had become with his friends again, even though if he sought to actively talk to them these days. But thankfully, he doesn’t need a huge, reality-bending choice to make him wake up this time. All he needs is his friends. They're there for each other, and they will always push through somehow, regardless of how bad things get. And specially in peaceful times like these?

Roxy and his exploration of his identity, alongside Calliope. Dirk letting go of his ego a bit more. Dave and Karkat still working through the quirks of their relationship with a very horny Jade prowling in the periphery. Jane slowly becoming more open-minded. Jake doing his best. Rose and Kanaya, happily married as usual.

A glance up from his phone, and John looked out of the window. The skies were a clear, soothing shade of blue. There was no drama, there was no adventure. There was no need to worry about what was ‘canon’ and what wasn’t. And that wasn’t a bad thing. Because while there may not be anything cosmological to worry about, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things to do.

It’s a totally normal and inessential day on Earth-C, but that’s what makes it so special! Fate is in his hands, in all of their hands, to build, and shape the rest of their lives the best they can.

They’re all going to be alright, and it’s going to be good. It’s all going to be…

So much fun.

yep

so much fun!

;)


	3. Prologue 3

cmon dont look at me like that! u knew this was comin sooner or later

u seen the warnin on this thing! bay-bee, the lemon routes upgraded from meager mature to full on explicit hotness! <3

i couldnt JUST have it end on a lil 'and they lived happily ever after' moment like everythins okay and gonna keep goin all borin and dumb 4 the rest of eternity

not that thatd be a bad thing but u know

boring A F

Roxy, come on.

shoosh! wait 4 ur turn again im the one havin fun here now! and its gonna be more fun than ur angst-filled stuff cuz im not messin around w/ what its alpha or canon or w/ever

I already said sorry.

well it aint sorry enough <3

u fucked the narrative up so badly we had to go back and fix aaaall the mess you had made

so now its OUR turn to mess around w/ it b4 u get ur chance again

specifically it is *my* turn now

and since u already made shit get all dramatic and visceral and awful...

 

i already made sure everyone gets a better and happier start w/out ur interventions

and now that things are ready to start goin well

were gonna turn the spiciness level on this BITCH

yay!!!

shoosh you too! <3 ull get ur own turn later hun

trust me by the time im done w/ this narrative

everyones gonna be so hot, horny and happy that youre all gonna wanna let it keep goin instead of tryin ur hand on it

u had candy and its empty fluff

u had meat and its tough bullshit

so lets pry into everyones kinky desires and make fantasies come true with lemon, shall we?

 

<3


End file.
